One year ago today, I was given the most horrific news anyone could possibly get…”Michele, I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, but you do have breast cancer and it’s very aggressive…stage 3…”. It was a Friday, October 14th. I was at school when I got the news. I had asked my doctor to call me as soon as she knew. Dr. Smith delivered our son and she knows I don’t like to “beat around the bush”. Tell me and tell me now…no I don’t want to sit on a couch in an office, I want to know now! It was like yesterday, I remember my phone ringing and me asking my colleague to watch my class while I took an important call. Needless to say, I was devastated. My whole life flashed before my eyes. How would I tell my husband, my son, my family and friends….was I going to die, was I going to live, how could I leave this Earth…I have so much more to do, to see. It was all overwhelming. After talking to my doctor and discussing the next steps, I went back to my class like nothing happened and continued on with my day. I had to…no choice, didn’t want anyone to know something was terribly wrong, didn’t want to tell anyone before my husband and didn’t want my students to know. It was a dreadful day that turned into a perfect storm.
Have you ever been through a storm and thought it would never end? A feeling of fear and uncertainty encompassed your every thought…then daylight…sun…calmness. We face storms all the time in our relationships, work, abilities, etc. Storms come when we least expect them and when we are warned and take time to prepare. I was warned (I found a lump) and I was prepared (I got my mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy). What I least expected was it to be malignant. My storm was this tumor that took over my breast. All my life, I had been rather healthy, energetic, and strong. Now this cancer entered my body like a hurricane, typhoon, any type of extreme weather you could think of, and destroyed my thoughts of the future I had intended. Cancer ravaged my mind, soaked my spirit, and flooded my body with unwelcomed cells. My storm was raging inside me and clouding my vision. A year ago today, I allowed a diagnosis to change my way of thinking, my attitude, and my hope. Then, there was a calmness, an acceptance and a will to live. “So what do I need to do first Dr. Smith?” The storm seemed to relinquish my mind and allow me to see the light. It was time to fully understand what my family was about to face and how we were going to get through it. God told me that if anything, I would see his face. If I was ready to live and fulfill his purpose, I would see his glory. As I reflect a year later, I understand more now what I heard God speak into my heart. My storm has blessed my life with new visions and opportunities, new purpose in life and appreciation for everything I have. I thank God everyday for His mercy and His grace and know that I am covered. Now with that comes more responsibility. Education in early detection and prevention, nutrition and a healthier lifestyle, all of which should be shared with others. My writing has been therapeutic for me, but I hope it continues to be educational and inspirational for others.
After the perfect storm, there usually lies a perfect rainbow. During my storm, I had to learn about the rainbow. Learn about the gift of life and what that really means. A diagnosis is not death, it’s a diagnosis. It tells you there is a problem, an issue, a situation, a concern…however, you want to call it, a diagnosis. No doctor, and I have seen several, told me I was going to die! No doctor said, you might as well give up! My God, doesn’t even conceive of these thoughts so I had to come to my own understanding and see that rainbow that God provides after those storms. Psychology will tell you that each one of those colors has meaning and can provoke thoughts that those colors represent. As a student of psychology, I know it is true and believe in God’s purpose in the smallest to the biggest of storms and rainbows.
My rainbow: Red gives me the energy to go on as I am covered in the blood of Jesus, Orange allows me to be optimistic, Yellow gives me an intelligent mind to read and understand the journey, Green keeps me balanced and able to see how I can demonstrate growth through the struggle, reborn in this world and renewed in my spirit, Blue brings me peace, trusting in only Him as doctors are used as his vessels, Indigo continues my woman and mama intuition, I still have a husband and a son to take care of and need my senses to be of sound mind, and Violet leaves chance to my imagination. I can continue to dream BIG, fulfill my purpose of this Earth, and be the light that God wants me to be for others.
My CANcer Wisdom to you: You may not be able to prepare for the storms that come, but if you awake to a new day, you can assess the damage, clean up the mess, and make a plan to rebuild, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually! There will be storms and there will be rainbows…will you wallow in the storm or be hopeful for the rainbows?
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